Unloading

Life with a toddler is impossible. Life with an infant is difficult. Life with both is impossibly difficult. However, it is one of the most rewarding experiences I can imagine.

Kayla loves her little brother like nothing I have ever seen before. She can be screaming at the top of her lungs for one thing or another, Graham enters her line of vision and she is reduced to smiles, giggles, and baby-talk. My heart just melts. The funniest thing about it, is she tries to regress back to his age, instead of bringing him forward to hers.

For example, I am ECing Graham. For those of you who don't know what that is, EC stands for Elimination Communication. It also is referred to as Natural Infant Hygiene and Infant Potty Training. Graham does not wear diapers, except for very rare occasions such as long trips to places that a toilet or bush/tree is not readily available. When this process first began, I would occasionally hold Graham over a bowl for him to eliminate in. About a month in, Kayla out of nowhere climbs on the counter, squats over a bowl (this one just happened to have canteloupe in it) and pees. She didn't tell anyone she needed to potty, she just did it. This afternoon, Grahams little potty arrived in the mail. Kayla proceeded to sit on it, fully clothed, and pee. I had just got done saying it was Graham's potty and she had her own big girl potty. She insisted this one was hers and "proved" it to me.

The only thing Kayla has not decided she wants to do is be wrapped on me. Graham loves to be wrapped tight against my body in any number of Didymos wraps. As my best friend put it "I have more of these things than I do shirts." Sadly it is true. The worst part about it is that each wrap cots about the amount of 4-5 shirts, and $30 shirts at that. I have spent as much as $800 on a single wrap. It has become an unhealthy addiction actually. In the last 2-3 weeks, I have accumulated about 16 new wraps, and spent about $6,000. I have a counseling session on October 12.

Spending money is my way of dealing with stress. It use to be eating, but when I started buying wraps I was also dieting, so instead of eating, I buy. Now that I have realized I have a problem with buying wraps, I have quit, but I am starting to eat again. Hence the counseling. I'm guessing there are some underlying issues that need to be dealt with so that I can get on with my life, and get out of this debt I have put myself and my family into.

I want so badly to tell Aaron about it. However, I don't want to give him something else to worry about while he's in Afghanistan. At the same time, I feel like not telling him is lying to him. I also don't want him to get mad at me.

Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons I spend so much money on wraps is because I feel like it makes me a better mom. Am I such a bad parent that in order to make-up for the things I don't do, I do the "crunchy" parenting? Do I think that AP moms are generally thought of as better parents, more in tune to their children, that if I am perceived as an AP mom no one will know how crappy a parent I really am? Hopefully the answers to these questions will come in time. Until then, I'll just keep on keeping on.