I need to go back to Germany. If for no other reason than because I feel I won't be as depressed there. I am miserable living with my parents. Not that they aren't a huge help, sometimes. I feel as if they take advantage of me, and expect me to do things differently than I do them. Every day is a fight with my mom about one thing or another, mostly related to my EC with Graham.
I also feel like my being here is keeping my dad from doing things that he needs to do, such as work. Maybe if I returned to Germany my parents would be happier with each other, since at that point my mom couldn't be jealous that my dad gets to spend so much time with us.
There are a couple things keeping me here. First, I couldn't go back to Germany until Middle of November. Going now would be pointless because Aaron is coming to California in less than 30 days. I'm returning from Cali on November 11, which of course means Thanksgiving is only a couple weeks after that. I'd have to stay for Thanksgiving. If I'm not here for Christmas my family would kill me! All of them, not just my parents. Second, I want to go back to school, which means Anatomy & Physiology and Microbiology. Both of which are classes I can't take online, which means I have to be stateside.
I think I need antidepressants. Or maybe just a job.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Countdown to R&R 30 days
In an effort to look amazing when Aaron returns from R & R, I started the 30 day shred this morning. This is about the fourth time I've "started" The longest I've kept at it is 4 days, so we'll see how long I'll make it this time. The difficulty is not in the program, rather finding the time to do it.
Yes, it is only a 20 minute program, who doesn't have 20 minutes? Well, I don't have 20 minutes. Graham is usually awake no later than 0530. Kayla usually wakes up as soon as I get out of bed. Graham usually naps a few times a day, Kayla on the other hand usually doesn't, and of course on the days they both nap, it's never at the same time. Graham is usually in bed no later than 1900-1930. Kayla of course varies from 2000-2200. Even if she went to bed early enough, we only have one DVD player in our house. How crazy is that? And of course it is hooked up to the main TV in the living room, so doing it in the evenings would inconvenience the 'rents. My only option is of course to wake up at 0500. Murphy's Law dictates however that if I were to get up at 0500 to work out, Graham would wake up at 0510. I will therefore continue to wake-up with Graham, feed him and bring him downstairs with me to work out, and pray that Kayla stays asleep.
I am excited to go to California. Mostly because I want to show off Graham, my wraps, and EC. I can't wait to see the look on my in-laws faces when I tell them that Graham doesn't wear diapers. If night EC doesn't become more reliant in the next 30 days, I will of course bring diapers for night time. For the most part though, Graham does pretty well at night. We've had a couple accidents, but that is to be expected.
I have decided that it is time to sell my wraps. As far as addictions go, you can't get past them while they are staring you in the face. I will keep a couple of my babies, because of their value and so that I can continue to wear Graham of course. The next one as well. I have about 35, and I will keep 13. A bamboo blend, a cashmere blend, a hemp blend, a silk blend, a tussah blend, two wool blends, 3 linen blends, and 3 cottons. They will be listed on ebay over the next 30 days. I can only hope that I get out of them what I put in them. I will post the results here. Whatever doesn't sell on ebay, I will list on TBW FSOT at discounted prices.
Yes, it is only a 20 minute program, who doesn't have 20 minutes? Well, I don't have 20 minutes. Graham is usually awake no later than 0530. Kayla usually wakes up as soon as I get out of bed. Graham usually naps a few times a day, Kayla on the other hand usually doesn't, and of course on the days they both nap, it's never at the same time. Graham is usually in bed no later than 1900-1930. Kayla of course varies from 2000-2200. Even if she went to bed early enough, we only have one DVD player in our house. How crazy is that? And of course it is hooked up to the main TV in the living room, so doing it in the evenings would inconvenience the 'rents. My only option is of course to wake up at 0500. Murphy's Law dictates however that if I were to get up at 0500 to work out, Graham would wake up at 0510. I will therefore continue to wake-up with Graham, feed him and bring him downstairs with me to work out, and pray that Kayla stays asleep.
I am excited to go to California. Mostly because I want to show off Graham, my wraps, and EC. I can't wait to see the look on my in-laws faces when I tell them that Graham doesn't wear diapers. If night EC doesn't become more reliant in the next 30 days, I will of course bring diapers for night time. For the most part though, Graham does pretty well at night. We've had a couple accidents, but that is to be expected.
I have decided that it is time to sell my wraps. As far as addictions go, you can't get past them while they are staring you in the face. I will keep a couple of my babies, because of their value and so that I can continue to wear Graham of course. The next one as well. I have about 35, and I will keep 13. A bamboo blend, a cashmere blend, a hemp blend, a silk blend, a tussah blend, two wool blends, 3 linen blends, and 3 cottons. They will be listed on ebay over the next 30 days. I can only hope that I get out of them what I put in them. I will post the results here. Whatever doesn't sell on ebay, I will list on TBW FSOT at discounted prices.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Unloading
Life with a toddler is impossible. Life with an infant is difficult. Life with both is impossibly difficult. However, it is one of the most rewarding experiences I can imagine.
Kayla loves her little brother like nothing I have ever seen before. She can be screaming at the top of her lungs for one thing or another, Graham enters her line of vision and she is reduced to smiles, giggles, and baby-talk. My heart just melts. The funniest thing about it, is she tries to regress back to his age, instead of bringing him forward to hers.
For example, I am ECing Graham. For those of you who don't know what that is, EC stands for Elimination Communication. It also is referred to as Natural Infant Hygiene and Infant Potty Training. Graham does not wear diapers, except for very rare occasions such as long trips to places that a toilet or bush/tree is not readily available. When this process first began, I would occasionally hold Graham over a bowl for him to eliminate in. About a month in, Kayla out of nowhere climbs on the counter, squats over a bowl (this one just happened to have canteloupe in it) and pees. She didn't tell anyone she needed to potty, she just did it. This afternoon, Grahams little potty arrived in the mail. Kayla proceeded to sit on it, fully clothed, and pee. I had just got done saying it was Graham's potty and she had her own big girl potty. She insisted this one was hers and "proved" it to me.
The only thing Kayla has not decided she wants to do is be wrapped on me. Graham loves to be wrapped tight against my body in any number of Didymos wraps. As my best friend put it "I have more of these things than I do shirts." Sadly it is true. The worst part about it is that each wrap cots about the amount of 4-5 shirts, and $30 shirts at that. I have spent as much as $800 on a single wrap. It has become an unhealthy addiction actually. In the last 2-3 weeks, I have accumulated about 16 new wraps, and spent about $6,000. I have a counseling session on October 12.
Spending money is my way of dealing with stress. It use to be eating, but when I started buying wraps I was also dieting, so instead of eating, I buy. Now that I have realized I have a problem with buying wraps, I have quit, but I am starting to eat again. Hence the counseling. I'm guessing there are some underlying issues that need to be dealt with so that I can get on with my life, and get out of this debt I have put myself and my family into.
I want so badly to tell Aaron about it. However, I don't want to give him something else to worry about while he's in Afghanistan. At the same time, I feel like not telling him is lying to him. I also don't want him to get mad at me.
Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons I spend so much money on wraps is because I feel like it makes me a better mom. Am I such a bad parent that in order to make-up for the things I don't do, I do the "crunchy" parenting? Do I think that AP moms are generally thought of as better parents, more in tune to their children, that if I am perceived as an AP mom no one will know how crappy a parent I really am? Hopefully the answers to these questions will come in time. Until then, I'll just keep on keeping on.
Kayla loves her little brother like nothing I have ever seen before. She can be screaming at the top of her lungs for one thing or another, Graham enters her line of vision and she is reduced to smiles, giggles, and baby-talk. My heart just melts. The funniest thing about it, is she tries to regress back to his age, instead of bringing him forward to hers.
For example, I am ECing Graham. For those of you who don't know what that is, EC stands for Elimination Communication. It also is referred to as Natural Infant Hygiene and Infant Potty Training. Graham does not wear diapers, except for very rare occasions such as long trips to places that a toilet or bush/tree is not readily available. When this process first began, I would occasionally hold Graham over a bowl for him to eliminate in. About a month in, Kayla out of nowhere climbs on the counter, squats over a bowl (this one just happened to have canteloupe in it) and pees. She didn't tell anyone she needed to potty, she just did it. This afternoon, Grahams little potty arrived in the mail. Kayla proceeded to sit on it, fully clothed, and pee. I had just got done saying it was Graham's potty and she had her own big girl potty. She insisted this one was hers and "proved" it to me.
The only thing Kayla has not decided she wants to do is be wrapped on me. Graham loves to be wrapped tight against my body in any number of Didymos wraps. As my best friend put it "I have more of these things than I do shirts." Sadly it is true. The worst part about it is that each wrap cots about the amount of 4-5 shirts, and $30 shirts at that. I have spent as much as $800 on a single wrap. It has become an unhealthy addiction actually. In the last 2-3 weeks, I have accumulated about 16 new wraps, and spent about $6,000. I have a counseling session on October 12.
Spending money is my way of dealing with stress. It use to be eating, but when I started buying wraps I was also dieting, so instead of eating, I buy. Now that I have realized I have a problem with buying wraps, I have quit, but I am starting to eat again. Hence the counseling. I'm guessing there are some underlying issues that need to be dealt with so that I can get on with my life, and get out of this debt I have put myself and my family into.
I want so badly to tell Aaron about it. However, I don't want to give him something else to worry about while he's in Afghanistan. At the same time, I feel like not telling him is lying to him. I also don't want him to get mad at me.
Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons I spend so much money on wraps is because I feel like it makes me a better mom. Am I such a bad parent that in order to make-up for the things I don't do, I do the "crunchy" parenting? Do I think that AP moms are generally thought of as better parents, more in tune to their children, that if I am perceived as an AP mom no one will know how crappy a parent I really am? Hopefully the answers to these questions will come in time. Until then, I'll just keep on keeping on.
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