Losing My Mind

I am slowly but surely losing my mind. I am one of the most easy going people you will ever meet, yet I have been getting frustrated by everything here lately.

I almost want to say it's postpartum depression. The only thing stopping me from that is my symptoms don't match up. I have plenty of energy, I'm not "blue", I'm bonding just fine with Graham, I just get frustrated and angry very easily, usually at my children. I spanked Kayla today. I don't believe in spanking, and even if I did, what she was doing was not a spankable offense.

I was making myself a ham sandwich since it was 2:30 and the only thing I had eaten all day was a carnation instant breakfast, Graham was content, at least he was when I started making my sandwich, which was before Kayla started trying to pick him up. So he was crying, and Kayla wanted watermelon so she was crying. Kayla picked up a knife and gave it to me so I could cut the watermelon, but it was a steak knife. I told her that knife wouldn't work, took it from her and threw it in the sink. She opened the cabinet under the sink and climbed on the shelf to get the knife out of the sink. I asked her to get down, and once again told her it was the wrong knife. She didn't listen, so I took her off the shelf myself.

She started screaming. Graham was screaming in the living room, Kayla was screaming in the kitchen, I couldn't get Graham until my sandwich was made or I wasn't going to get to eat. I couldn't make my sandwich because Kayla was screaming and climbing on things trying to grab a very sharp knife. Kayla tried again to climb up to the sink to grab the knife, I once again took her down and shut the cabinet doors. She screamed and cried louder. I had to hold the doors shut, she tried and tried to open them, so I spanked her butt.

I felt horrible! What is spanking going to teach her? Especially for that reason? I just get so overwhelmed sometimes when the two of them are crying at the same time. It got to the point today that Graham was crying and I couldn't figure out why, but he wouldn't stop and I was getting very frustrated so I put him in his crib, shut his door went into my bathroom to get a shower, Kayla started crying that she wanted to come with me, so I shut and locked my bedroom door, shut my bathroom door and took a 2 minute "shower" just to calm down.

It worked at least. When I picked Graham up he stopped crying almost instantly, and Kayla was all smiles when I opened up my bedroom door. I still felt guilty for leaving them alone screaming, but what's a mom to do?