In 3 hours, I will be a single mother. In 3 hours my world will come crashing down. In 3 hours, hell I just hope I can make it through the next 3 hours. It's funny how I've been okay all day, but the second I got home and actually sat down everything just hit me. I'm glad I'm going home, I just wish I were leaving sooner.
On a positive note...since tomorrow is the beginning of the next chapter of my life I am beginning some new routines. I had my 6 week postpartum check today and I'm clear for exercise. Therefore, tomorrow starts day 1 of the 30 day shred! It also begins day 1 of 365 days of pictures. I'm going to try for a single picture every day that sums up that day, either what I want it to be, or what it was. There will also be a new picture every day of my babies.
Please keep my family and I in your prayers on this day.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I'm a Snob and I'm better than you
I've come to accept the fact that I'm a snob. Most people with my condition(snobbiness) would defend themselves and say something like "I'm not a snob, I'm selective," but I'm going to own my snobbiness. I'm not talking about money here, I mean we barely make $36,000 a year. I'm talking about persons. I feel superior to various types of people. If you're married with children and you're out drinking every weekend until midnight, I'm better than you. If you have no drive, no ambition, I'm better than you. If you yell at your children for the things that children do, i.e. try to be the center of attention when they're not (say at a baby shower), I'm better than you. If you don't research things for yourself and just go with the majority, I'm better than you.
Basically, I judge you on everything you do. If I think I'm better than you, I will no longer speak to you.
Basically, I judge you on everything you do. If I think I'm better than you, I will no longer speak to you.
Losing My Mind
I am slowly but surely losing my mind. I am one of the most easy going people you will ever meet, yet I have been getting frustrated by everything here lately.
I almost want to say it's postpartum depression. The only thing stopping me from that is my symptoms don't match up. I have plenty of energy, I'm not "blue", I'm bonding just fine with Graham, I just get frustrated and angry very easily, usually at my children. I spanked Kayla today. I don't believe in spanking, and even if I did, what she was doing was not a spankable offense.
I was making myself a ham sandwich since it was 2:30 and the only thing I had eaten all day was a carnation instant breakfast, Graham was content, at least he was when I started making my sandwich, which was before Kayla started trying to pick him up. So he was crying, and Kayla wanted watermelon so she was crying. Kayla picked up a knife and gave it to me so I could cut the watermelon, but it was a steak knife. I told her that knife wouldn't work, took it from her and threw it in the sink. She opened the cabinet under the sink and climbed on the shelf to get the knife out of the sink. I asked her to get down, and once again told her it was the wrong knife. She didn't listen, so I took her off the shelf myself.
She started screaming. Graham was screaming in the living room, Kayla was screaming in the kitchen, I couldn't get Graham until my sandwich was made or I wasn't going to get to eat. I couldn't make my sandwich because Kayla was screaming and climbing on things trying to grab a very sharp knife. Kayla tried again to climb up to the sink to grab the knife, I once again took her down and shut the cabinet doors. She screamed and cried louder. I had to hold the doors shut, she tried and tried to open them, so I spanked her butt.
I felt horrible! What is spanking going to teach her? Especially for that reason? I just get so overwhelmed sometimes when the two of them are crying at the same time. It got to the point today that Graham was crying and I couldn't figure out why, but he wouldn't stop and I was getting very frustrated so I put him in his crib, shut his door went into my bathroom to get a shower, Kayla started crying that she wanted to come with me, so I shut and locked my bedroom door, shut my bathroom door and took a 2 minute "shower" just to calm down.
It worked at least. When I picked Graham up he stopped crying almost instantly, and Kayla was all smiles when I opened up my bedroom door. I still felt guilty for leaving them alone screaming, but what's a mom to do?
I almost want to say it's postpartum depression. The only thing stopping me from that is my symptoms don't match up. I have plenty of energy, I'm not "blue", I'm bonding just fine with Graham, I just get frustrated and angry very easily, usually at my children. I spanked Kayla today. I don't believe in spanking, and even if I did, what she was doing was not a spankable offense.
I was making myself a ham sandwich since it was 2:30 and the only thing I had eaten all day was a carnation instant breakfast, Graham was content, at least he was when I started making my sandwich, which was before Kayla started trying to pick him up. So he was crying, and Kayla wanted watermelon so she was crying. Kayla picked up a knife and gave it to me so I could cut the watermelon, but it was a steak knife. I told her that knife wouldn't work, took it from her and threw it in the sink. She opened the cabinet under the sink and climbed on the shelf to get the knife out of the sink. I asked her to get down, and once again told her it was the wrong knife. She didn't listen, so I took her off the shelf myself.
She started screaming. Graham was screaming in the living room, Kayla was screaming in the kitchen, I couldn't get Graham until my sandwich was made or I wasn't going to get to eat. I couldn't make my sandwich because Kayla was screaming and climbing on things trying to grab a very sharp knife. Kayla tried again to climb up to the sink to grab the knife, I once again took her down and shut the cabinet doors. She screamed and cried louder. I had to hold the doors shut, she tried and tried to open them, so I spanked her butt.
I felt horrible! What is spanking going to teach her? Especially for that reason? I just get so overwhelmed sometimes when the two of them are crying at the same time. It got to the point today that Graham was crying and I couldn't figure out why, but he wouldn't stop and I was getting very frustrated so I put him in his crib, shut his door went into my bathroom to get a shower, Kayla started crying that she wanted to come with me, so I shut and locked my bedroom door, shut my bathroom door and took a 2 minute "shower" just to calm down.
It worked at least. When I picked Graham up he stopped crying almost instantly, and Kayla was all smiles when I opened up my bedroom door. I still felt guilty for leaving them alone screaming, but what's a mom to do?
Monday, May 24, 2010
Whirlwind
As of April 29, 2010 at 4:01 in the afternoon (Central European Time) I am a mother of two. It is hard to believe that almost a month has gone by. The past month has been much more difficult than I anticipated. It seems as though Graham does two things all day, either eats or screams. It is my belief that he is suffering from Acid Reflux, we will find out on Friday. Kayla has taken to crying. I guess she sees us respond to Grahams cries immediately and has decided it's the best way to get our attention for herself as well. This has lead to many frustrating moments, moments when I don't recognize myself because I'm usually so calm natured. I've actually scared myself a few times and I had to have Aaron come get Graham so that I could just breathe. It is in these moments that I don't know how I am going to survive the upcoming deployment with my sanity intact.
Friends and family have always been what got me through difficult times. This time I am without family, with the exception of my children who sad to say add to the difficulties, and friends are hard to come by. I found one, but she's leaving for the deployment, and there are a couple more possibilities for friendship, but they're not to that level of comfort that I would rely on for making it through difficult times, not yet anyways.
To add to the deployment difficulty, my grandfather is having a double bypass tomorrow morning. This was one of my biggest fears about moving to Europe. All four of my grandparents are currently alive, and I am very thankful for that. My maternal grandmother is in remission of colon cancer, for the second time. My paternal grandmother is 80 years old and has every ailment you could possibly imagine that isn't life threatening in and of itself. My paternal grandfather is 81 and has diabetes. My maternal grandfather was perfectly healthy until suddenly he was short of breath and they found a blockage too big for a stint and needing a double bypass. He was the last one I was worried about.
It's been a whirlwind of emotions, I hope I make it through the storm.
Friends and family have always been what got me through difficult times. This time I am without family, with the exception of my children who sad to say add to the difficulties, and friends are hard to come by. I found one, but she's leaving for the deployment, and there are a couple more possibilities for friendship, but they're not to that level of comfort that I would rely on for making it through difficult times, not yet anyways.
To add to the deployment difficulty, my grandfather is having a double bypass tomorrow morning. This was one of my biggest fears about moving to Europe. All four of my grandparents are currently alive, and I am very thankful for that. My maternal grandmother is in remission of colon cancer, for the second time. My paternal grandmother is 80 years old and has every ailment you could possibly imagine that isn't life threatening in and of itself. My paternal grandfather is 81 and has diabetes. My maternal grandfather was perfectly healthy until suddenly he was short of breath and they found a blockage too big for a stint and needing a double bypass. He was the last one I was worried about.
It's been a whirlwind of emotions, I hope I make it through the storm.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Could this be it?
I began having contractions about 845 this morning. They were not painful by any means, but they were definitely there. I showered, and cooked breakfast then went for an almost 3 mile walk with the neighbor. During my walk the contractions definitely became stronger. However, since I've gotten home they seem to have subsided. We'll see what happens over the next few hours. I was very excited when walking because I was sure that today(or tomorrow) would be the day, now I don't really think so. Let's keep our fingers crossed!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Caden's First Birthday!
Today is my best friend's son's first birthday. I can't believe Kayla and I aren't around for it. I remember the day before he was born, I got a call from Samanthia as I was about to get into the shower that her water had just broken and it was time to go to the hospital. The drive there was hilarious. Poor Sam was in pain and we didn't even go straight to the hospital, we had to go from her parents house, to her apartment (about 30-45 minutes away) to get her hospital bag and then another 20-30 minutes to the hospital. She was not a very happy camper. When we finally got to the hospital it took forever to get her epidural, and there was blood EVERYWHERE from where they missed a vein and then poked through it. She was much happier after that epidural, human even.
Now, here I sit having very irregular contractions, wondering if anything is going to happen. Wondering if we could possibly have children who share the same birth day. I am hoping in some parts of my mind that Graham makes his appearance today, and others are hoping he waits 11 days until my mother can be here. I guess only time will tell, and it's all up to him.
I will continue about my day as if nothing is happening and if it happens I will be thrilled. Until then, it's time to make Kayla some breakfast and bake this Hummingbird Cake for the barbecue at the Hillius home tonight!
Happy Birthday Caden!
Now, here I sit having very irregular contractions, wondering if anything is going to happen. Wondering if we could possibly have children who share the same birth day. I am hoping in some parts of my mind that Graham makes his appearance today, and others are hoping he waits 11 days until my mother can be here. I guess only time will tell, and it's all up to him.
I will continue about my day as if nothing is happening and if it happens I will be thrilled. Until then, it's time to make Kayla some breakfast and bake this Hummingbird Cake for the barbecue at the Hillius home tonight!
Happy Birthday Caden!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Birthing Day Timeline
Well, the big day is getting close. I am very surprised at how slowly the past few weeks have gone by though. It seems like time stops once you hit 35 weeks. I originally thought I would go way past due, then I thought I would be very early, and now I have no idea. I'm going to visualize Graham coming on April 26. I've even created a schedule of how I want the day to go to minimize my time spent in the hospital to avoid the interventions they will most likely try. The plan is for pressure waves (PW) to begin about midnight on the 26 (that's a Sunday Night/Monday Morning) and I want to get some sleep for a few hours during them in the beginning. About 0300, I plan to get out of bed and sit on my birthing ball for a couple hours listening to my hypnobabies tracks. Around 0500 I'm going to wake Aaron up and let Kayla and my mom sleep. Aaron and I are going to go for a walk (He's unaware of this at the moment, but it's about his usual PT time so he'd be up and going to exercise anyways.) After our walk I'm going to eat a small breakfast so that I have some energy. Around 0800, if they aren't up yet, I'm going to wake up Kayla and my mom. I want to spend some time with Kayla before going into the hospital. Hopefully we can cuddle on the couch, or in my bed, and read some books. I think this is the most important part of my schedule. Just getting some time with Kayla. 0930 or so I want to be headed to the hospital. This puts me into the hospital about 1000. I hope to be about 7-9 cm dilated. Hopefully the birthing tub will not be in use, and I will be spending the remaining time in the water. I picture Graham coming around 1200. A couple hours later they can take him for circumcision and to weigh and measure him. Ideally, we will be discharged from the hospital no later than 1700.
All in all, my birthing time will last around 12 hours. It's not the shortest, but definitely not the longest either. I figure it's perfect to keep everything calm and relaxed. This is what I'm going to need to be successful in my med-free VBAC birth. I've been mentally preparing for the birth I want for about 8 weeks now, with 3 weeks left I think I will be golden.
All in all, my birthing time will last around 12 hours. It's not the shortest, but definitely not the longest either. I figure it's perfect to keep everything calm and relaxed. This is what I'm going to need to be successful in my med-free VBAC birth. I've been mentally preparing for the birth I want for about 8 weeks now, with 3 weeks left I think I will be golden.
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